Wald Disney was one of the most famous animators in the world. He is a entrepreneur, the creator of Mickey Mouse, and the CO-founder of Disney Studios.

Wald Disney was born in Chicago in 1901. He attended Brenton Grammar School but dropped out in the age of 16. Disney had a passion on drawing and painting. Later on he created a well known character based on his pet mouse, Mickey Mouse. Then on Disney moved to Hollywood since he wanted to start his career again. One of his animated film - Snow white and the Seven Dwarfs was one of the first and the most famous animated film, winning him several Oscars and earn him more than 400 million dollars. Disney created the infamous theme park called Disney land where children and adults can see and interact with Disney characters. He also had several achievements and many awards such as: 26 Oscars, 3 Golden Globe awards and 1 Emmy Award. Disney had three older brothers and a younger sister, when he grown up he married Lillian Bounds and had two daughters, one are biological and one adopted.

In 1966, he passed away due to cancer. His legacy moves on, inspiring many children and adults and his studio still moves on after his death.

1. Organization – 8/10

• Bố cục: mở bài → childhood/education → achievements → family → death/legacy.
• Có trình tự nhưng câu nối giữa các ý chưa mượt, nhiều ý chuyển khá đột ngột (Then on Disney moved to Hollywood…).
• Một số thông tin lặp hoặc sắp xếp chưa hợp lý (đưa thông tin giải thưởng rải rác thay vì gộp cùng achievements).

2. Legibility – 9/10

• Dễ đọc, câu rõ ràng, xuống dòng hợp lý.
• Tuy nhiên, nhiều lỗi nhỏ về chính tả và viết hoa (CO-founder, Disney land, Snow white), làm giảm tính chuyên nghiệp.

3. Ideas – 8.5/10

• Hầu hết thông tin quan trọng có đủ: ngày sinh, học vấn, tài năng, thành tựu, gia đình, giải thưởng, di sản.
• Có thêm chi tiết thú vị (thu nhập 400 triệu USD từ Snow White), nhưng chi tiết này không có trong facts SGK nên có thể coi là ngoài yêu cầu.
• Một số ý chưa chính xác:
• • based on his pet mouse → thực tế Mickey Mouse không dựa trên chuột cưng thật của Disney.

4. Word choice – 7.5/10

• Một số từ dùng chưa chuẩn nghĩa:
• • a entrepreneur → phải là an entrepreneur.
  • infamous → nghĩa tiêu cực, ở đây phải là famous, iconic, world-renowned.
  • passion on → phải là passion for.
  • moves on trong his studio still moves on → không tự nhiên, nên dùng continues to thrive, remains active.
• Nhiều từ lặp (famous, several, many), có thể thay bằng từ đồng nghĩa.

5. Grammar use – 6.5/10

Lỗi ngữ pháp & cấu trúc câu:

1. Wald Disney → sai chính tả, phải là Walt Disney (nhiều lần).
2. He is a entrepreneur → He was an entrepreneur (quá khứ, vì ông đã mất; “an” vì bắt đầu bằng nguyên âm).
3. CO-founder → co-founder (chỉ viết hoa khi ở đầu câu hoặc là danh xưng chính thức).
4. dropped out in the age of 16 → dropped out at the age of 16.
5. had a passion on drawing → had a passion for drawing.
6. Later on he created a well known character based on his pet mouse, Mickey Mouse → sai fact và thiếu dấu phẩy trước mệnh đề phụ.
7. Then on Disney moved to Hollywood → Then, Disney moved to Hollywood.
8. One of his animated film → One of his animated films.
9. Snow white and the Seven Dwarfs → Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (viết hoa chuẩn tên phim).
10. winning him several Oscars and earn him more than 400 million dollars → sai hòa hợp thì → …winning him several Oscars and earning him….
11. Disney land → Disneyland.
12. when he grown up → when he grew up.
13. one are biological → one was biological.
14. His legacy moves on → His legacy lives on hoặc continues.

Điểm tổng

• Organization: 8/10
• Legibility: 9/10
• Ideas: 8.5/10
• Word choice: 7.5/10
• Grammar use: 6.5/10
  Tổng = 39.5/50 → Thang 10: ~7.9/10

Phiên bản sửa lỗi và nâng cấp:

Walt Disney was one of the most famous animators in the world. He was an entrepreneur, the creator of Mickey Mouse, and the co-founder of Disney Studios.
Born in Chicago in 1901, Disney attended Brenton Grammar School but dropped out at the age of 16. He had a passion for drawing and painting. Later, he created the iconic character Mickey Mouse. He then moved to Hollywood to restart his career. One of his most successful animated films, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, was among the first full-length animated features, earning him several Oscars and over 400 million dollars. Disney also founded Disneyland, a world-famous theme park where both children and adults can meet beloved characters and enjoy attractions. Throughout his career, he won 26 Oscars, 3 Golden Globe Awards, and 1 Emmy Award.
Disney had three older brothers and a younger sister. He married Lillian Bounds, and they had two daughters, one biological and one adopted. They were married for 41 years.
In 1966, he passed away from cancer. His legacy lives on, inspiring millions around the world, and The Walt Disney Studios continues to thrive today.